DEAR MISS MANNERS: My soon-to-be husband and I are planning our wedding, and are having a disagreement on how to address the invitations. We have agreed to abide by your decision.
He says that because it’s a gay wedding, we don’t have to follow tradition and etiquette.
I say that regardless of whether it’s a gay or straight wedding, our most important role as hosts is to make all of our guests feel welcomed and comfortable, and that includes putting all names on an invitation — not “John Smith plus one.” (Plus-ones are a pet peeve of mine, so I’m not sure if I’m being entirely objective.)
My feeling is that if we’re close enough to invite John to our wedding, and we know he is single, we should call John and ask him if he would prefer to attend the wedding solo and socialize with old (and potentially new) friends, or if there’s anyone special he would like to bring. If it is the latter, we should then address the invitation to them both, so that his date feels welcomed.
GENTLE READER: Seriously? You are contemplating marrying someone who says that manners don’t apply to gay couples? And not just superficial bridal customs — some of which, Miss Manners acknowledges, have become ridiculous — but the underlying principle of consideration for others?
At least he is willing to listen to reason. So perhaps there is hope.
The “plus-one” matter is complicated. Established couples must be invited together, but allowing singles to invite their own guests is optional. However, the courtesy of using the names of all prospective guests, rather than treating them as anonymous add-ons, should not be.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate thing to do or say when one’s restaurant order is wrong?
When I had lunch with a group of eight people, the waiter did not write down any of our orders. That was not a good start.
He brought me a spicy salad drenched in dressing, when I had asked for the non-spicy salad, dressing on the side. Judging from the looks on my colleagues’ faces, I was not the only one who received the wrong order.
What would have been appropriate to say? I didn’t want to be a whiner. Should I have said, “Oh, dear, I must have gotten someone else’s order. Mine was …”?
I am certain that writing down the orders would have helped. I simply ate the salad and said nothing.
GENTLE READER: And you are never going back to that restaurant, right?
It is in the interest of restaurants to have dissatisfied customers speak up, so that errors are corrected and they go home happy.
In other business transactions, people know that they are entitled to get what they asked for, and not swallow others’ mistakes, so to speak. But they turn all funny and squeamish about restaurants.
However, Miss Manners does not consider this permission to critique the waiter. Perhaps someone in the kitchen was at fault. You should merely state, politely, that you got an incorrect order.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
